What's the dumbest thing you've ever heard someone say?
By - Vinyl_BunBuns
My friend once told me he wasn't too concerned about using birth control because everyone knows the girl can only get pregnant if they both cum at the same time. His gf was pregnant 3 months later.
Good for him making sure his girlfriend came at the same time as him...such a considerate lover
I work in vet med, some clients are shy about talking about their dogs genitals and some don't care and will start yelling about how their "cat's butthole is crammed up with poop." The dumbest thing a client has said to me in that regard is that their dog "is licking her butt, but like the front part of it." "Oh, so her vulva?" "No, her front butt." Idk if this dude was afraid to say the word vulva, if he genuinely thought female dogs have 2 buttholes (plausible, my brother thought his dogs vulva was "some weird growth"), or something else entirely but it's an inside joke in our clinic now.
A previous boyfriend of mine was petting my cat and got all serious.
“I don’t want to scare you but we should take her to the vet, she has these lumps...”
They were her nipples. When I said that the look on his face as he realized exactly that was priceless.
My sister panicked whilst on a plane and asked if she could open a window as she was feeling really hot - the guy in the seats across from her lost it, it made his day
I saw a drunk German woman fiddling with the airplane door, because she wanted to have a smoke outside.
some girl once told me that it was impossible for me to be vietnamese bc vietnam was a war and not a country. this happened while in college smh
You should have answered with "you're right, I must be French or Indian"
You think someone who doesn’t know Vietnam was a country knows what the French Indian war is?
"If you could adopt a child from a third world country, which country would you choose and why?" "I would choose Alaska, because it's really cold there." -A member of the prom court being asked a random question on our school's live news show that was being broadcasted out to every homeroom.
The answer aside, that's a really weird question
Yeah I'd feel really weird answering it.
I live in a third world country, and I can assure you, I would *not* want to be adopted by that guy.
To be fair, that’s a really dumb question.
A girl in my class asked why do farms exist if she gets her food from the supermarket.The teacher had such a disappointed face and everyone looked at her and wondered how did she pass the all the way through the 8th grade
Wait how could they castrate a 8 year old? He wouldn't have his balls yet! - My friend, a 18 year old male who vastly misunderstood what people meant when they say "your balls dropped". No, I don't know how he never noticed that he had balls before puberty.
RIP me, 28yo male who just now learned that human testicles are supposed to descend before birth. I always took that saying literally.
It's not _terribly_ uncommon for testicles to drop after birth and before 6 months of age. They're _supposed to_ descend in the last couple of months of fetal development, but sometimes they don't.
Rarely, they don't drop on their own and an intervention is required.
No offense, but does your mom by chance happen to live in a cave?
"China is it's own continent because the people who live there are called 'Chinese'." "...............Uh......and we are Oklahomans. Did I miss the memo where we became a continent?"
Most Oklahomans can be confused for continents.
What about Oklahowomans?
And the Oklahochildren?
"Was ww2 the cold one or the Asian one"
Cold at the start, asian at the end
Now I get confused.
I’m guessing he meant Cold War and Vietnam?
You have vertigo? Isn’t vertigo that place where the planes get lost?
No, that's *Where'd-it-go*, sorry for the confusion.
How did they get “Vertigo” out of the Burmuda Triangle?
**Ber Tri gle**
There you go
Asia was a country in China
This reminds me of a show that used to come on A&E in the early 2000s. It was about ancient civilizations (may have been hosted by Bill Kurtis, but I'm hazy on the memory of that). One episode was about ancient Egypt and the narrator said, "Egypt, which is located next to Africa". I'll never forget it because me and my gf at the time were on the phone and she heard that part too. It became an inside joke between us.
I returned from a holiday in Egypt and you had to answer the health and prohibited goods declaration on arrival. On the question of “Have you been in Africa in the last 14 days?” I wrote Yes.
The immigration officer asked me which country in Africa. When I told him Egypt, he looked at me puzzled, said that’s not in Africa, crossed out my answer and waved me through.
I had pretty much this exact conversation. Was visiting family in Russia - came back to the US and had "Have you been to Asia in the last month" or something on the health form. Said yes, was asked "where" said "Russia" got told that's in Europe, don't be stupid. I just shrugged and went where he told me, not going to fight getting home quicker.
Before people say "Russia is Europe, everyone lives in the West which is Europe" I was way beyond the Urals in a backwater town my cousins have decided to live in so there.
Don't argue with stupid, I guess.
Was Benjamin Button based on a true story?
I mean, it was truly based on a fictional story by F Scott Fitzgerald
I knew a girl who said “what’s the big deal about Obama being elected president? Our first black president was Martin Luther king..”
My boyfriend had a coworker who asked if we’d ever had a Democrat as president while Obama was in his 2nd term. He legitimately thought it had never happened.
Edit: guy was also in his late 20’s.
The moon is much better than the sun because it's up at night illuminating while the sun is up during the day when it's allready bright.
I worked with a guy in his 40s, and one day, he asked me if I knew that the moon didn't produce light.
I was like, yeah, it reflects sunlight, though.
he was shocked, because he said he had just learned that the day before. this guy went to college and started businesses and shit.
A customer once argued with me that "19 and older" (what our sign said) was different than "19 or older" (what I said) and that I should let them into the club. Technically yes, when you're talking about a group of people, you can nitpick and say that there is a subtle difference in the phrases.
However, this customer was 18.
**EDIT:** The subtle difference I was speaking of is in regards to a group - if the group is "19 and older", it includes those that are 19 and those that are older. Saying "19 or older" would imply everyone is either only 19 or everyone is older. To an individual, there's no difference.
**EDIT:** Also, the correct phrasing should technically be "includes ages 19 and over" or "you/him/her/they just be 19 or older". They're similar enough to be used interchangeably.
I had a pharmacist once tell me that the age group for the government insurance was only 21 and under not under 22. I couldn't get him to understand so I just said ok.
Why don't vegans eat fish? They aren't animals.
When I was like 13 I told my friend that there was such a thing as a Liger. They had successfully mated a lion and a tiger. His response “you idiot, tigers ARE female lions”
We took the argument to his mother to settle it. She took his side.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!
Blue Fire is cold
Ok, put your hand in it.
It's so cold it burns you /s
I thought that too, almost died in the nether.
Friend shared that he thought women were like chickens, one day a month we would sit on a toilet all day and lay an egg
Oh boy, r/badwomensanatomy would have a field day with this story.
This is my favourite one here.
Learn to plan ahead lmaooo
That chickens have no brains. Not that they are stupid. That a chicken literally does not have a brain.
I had a neighbor who was sharing a similar theory about geckos after performing the very scientific procedure of ripping one open with pliers
“How do they know which moon to put out?”
They store them in order, but if they get them mixed up you just check which one they used yesterday and use the next one.
What a dummy.
Yall really gonna make me remember the time my coworker thought willy Wonka was a real person and wondered how much money he was making on Nerds and Gobstoppers
I really thought I had a shot at visiting the factory when I was younger too. I thought the movie was made as both an advertisement by wonka to trick children(at that the time) like me to buy wonka candies and a deterrent to prevent us from using it by showing us how badly we could end up if we went on the factory tour.
As an adult I laugh at the way I interpret the purpose of that movie.
As a kid though, I thought it that wonka was a complete genius to both have the marketing campaign where you could win but would not exercise the rights so that he will not be commuting a crime.
watching star wars in high school with some girl says, " when did this happen?" I said it was made in the 70s , confused on what she meant. she said " no, the space war, when did we have a space war?" me n my buddy almost died
edit: because some answers are mean. she was home schooled and her parents were fucked Christian people. she would try and fit in. I felt sorry for her tbh
Should have just told her that it happened a long, long time ago.
When I pointed out to a coworker that a person who actually was modest wouldn't brag about how modest they are: "How would people know that I'm modest if I don't tell them?"
I honestly would have assumed it was a joke, I think I give too many people the benefit of the doubt
I too am extraordinarily humble.
That Japan was the capital of Australia.
We share a time zone but that's about it.
A customer came in today and apparently had a an excuse for not wearing a mask. We offered curbside pickup for their safety and the safety of others. They let us know that they work at a covid clinic, so they had "literally 0% chance of contracting it".
And we have a winner.
Yep, this is it. Shut off the lights when you leave please.
Everyone knows you just have to stand inside a hospital room and your flesh knits back together and the harmful bacteria die.
It’s not cheating if you don’t love the person
I felt the pain from here.
My best friend from high school actually believed that. I believe her military boyfriend taught it to her. I guess if they're both on the same page, congrats?
I mean, at that point it’s just a lame version of swinging/open relationship because you don’t get to also do it with your partner, and you have to pretend to be all sly (I guess?)
i dont wanna know which person was the unloved one
I feel my heart crack
If you don't love the person you're cheating on or with?
Good point. That could go both ways
My mom said her new mac was a waste of money because it didn’t have internet explorer so “how is she supposed to do anything?”
Imagine still using internet explorer.
A few years ago leading up to the great American eclipse a coworker overheard us discussing it and said "Y'all don't actually believe in that shit do you?" I figured he misunderstood whatever we were talking about and thought we were talking about mysticism or something regarding the eclipse but no he followed up with "Don't you know if the moon went into the sun it would melt, that's why the eclipse can't be real."
I genuinely felt like humanity should probably start over from scratch after that.
I can imagine as the internet was just hitting the world someone must have thought that the spread of information and knowledge would make the world a smarter place.
someone tried to convince me that snakes don’t have bones. I showed him some pictures of snake skeletons and he said “yeah they have ribs, not bones”
What do you think these ribs are made out of?
[“I thought Europe was a country?”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8pnec4Hxps)
I had a similar conversation, some guy who voted for brexit was very proud of himself that Britain left Europe and was wondering how they’ll have to change maps because if that.
It was a pain explaining to him that Britain left then European Union and not Europe, can’t move a fucking country mate.
Britain was like, ok Ima head out, going to the pacific
The right answer is Hungary..... *like I am hungry*
"There are 3 types of asians: Chinese, Japanese and Asians."
*Hank Hill voice*
So are ya Chinese er Japanese?
I am **Laotian!**
From the ocean? Which ocean?
I don't know why the repeating of "asians" makes me laugh so much.
Co-worker at my last job during lunch:
Him: "The moon landings obviously didn't happen"
Me: "Thats awkward I was bouncing lasers off the mirrors we left there at Uni." (Physics Graduate)
Him after pausing: "Theres loads of ways they could have got there, aliens could have plonked them down"
Man literally believes in aliens but not the moon landings and is a manager at a large company
"It's been proven that if you dream about falling and hit the ground in your dream you will die in your sleep."
Yeah? If someone dies in their sleep, how do you know what they were dreaming?
It’s been proven by the internet tho. Very credible
I saw a picture with text on Facebook. That's pretty credible right?
Was it in Pirates of the Caribbean they had a line like, "I'm just asking, if there were no survivors, how do you know what happened?"
"No survivors aye? Where do the stories come from I wonder?" Or something like that haha
Yeah but on the other hand being dead in the PotC universe doesn't exactly mean you can't tell stories.
Oh really? I thought dead men tell no tale
Yep it was in the first movie when Captain Jack Sparrow was in the jail and the inmates were telling survivor stories of people seeing the Pearl. Love those movies
"I thought it wasn't real."
Buddy of mine was very drunk one night and asked me "where does the moon go during the daytime?"
It’s honestly surprising how many people have never looked up and seen the moon during the day.
> I know better now, of course.
I assume you've since realized that Australia doesn't exist.
It does too. It’s in Japan. Learned that from this very thread.
Edit: and yes. They have camels. Please, no more camels!
"If I swallow will I get pregnant?"
No, but be careful where you spit.
“Put that thing back where it came from or so help meeee 🎶🎵”
Am I perganent?
can u get *pregante* ?
My sister was literally convinced that she had a birthday every two years. After a half-an-hour-discussion, where she insulted me and called me stupid, I finally convinced her she was wrong. She’s 15, and does not have a mental illness.
You should have just told her that she's right and only given her a gift every 2 years.
Jesus. Why?? What made her believe that?
In 8th grade this girl, dead serious, asked, “how did people breathe before there was electricity?”
They used steam power
I dearly want to know the thought process behind this.
Why is there a deer Xing sign it’s too dangerous for deer to cross the road
It's good that it's a picture of a deer because they can't read .
I remember a few years ago a woman called in to one of her local radio stations to complain about deer crossing signs.
She was saying that a lot of deer crossings were in very dangerous places, and the government should move them to safer places.
Edit: Here it is!
A few years ago I got a job offer in Japan and decided to take it. Some friends from my then office threw me a farewell party. The girlfriend of one of my co-workers came along and told me that she’d always wanted to go to Japan and that her number one thing to do there would be to take a camel ride. My co-worker and I just looked at her to see if she’d explain more— maybe there was a camel cafe she’d heard about or something. But no, she just honestly thought camels were a common mode of transportation in Japan.
she might have seen an ad for Tottori—they actually do camel rides and have legit sand dunes in Japan!
She must have been thinking of Australia, we have the most camels. (They were released in the 1800s and breed in the deserts).
They should release some Mountain Gorillas and Javan Rhinos out there, seeing as everything non-native just absolutely overbreeds in Australia...
Inlaw father is looking at the sky, pondering how NASA puts all that stuff up there without hitting the stars.
He was a teenager during the space race. You'd figure it would have come up in school.
We just shrugged and acted like we didn't know.
22-year-old girlfriend, after having walked under some street lamps: “I just discovered that we have 2 shadows. I think the other one is only visible at night.”
I explained what shadows are and how they're dependent on the light source. There was visible brain processing strain on her face.
EDIT: I'd also like to mention that this person was fairly intelligent and scientifically inclined. She was majoring in biotechnology at the time and used to help me with my electives.
Imagine when she finds out about colored shadows.
I can't tell if i'm being trolled or genuinely stupid
They're real and very very cool.
"My American friend on xbox says the purge is real"
I then had the most painful conversation with this kid about how it's fake
Man this kid must have freaked everytime he heard sirens lmao
A highschool student asked if Obama was president of the world.
BTW the person that asked that question was debatably one of the dumbest students in my school.
"if Japanese people suffer so much from tsunamis, why don't they hide behind the Great Wall of China?"
8th grade geography class
Work at a hotel. Guest asked why there was no fourth of July parade or any fireworks in town. We were in Australia.
My ex worked on Sydney Harbour cruises back in 1988, Australia's Bicentennial Year. She had a boat full of USA tourists who she desribed as absolutely polite, kind and tipped well. But one did ask "How often do you have these Bicentennials, they're really neat?"
Did they try to pay their bill in American dollars instead of Australian dollars?!
To be fair, if they're paying in USD 1:1, that's a pretty sweet 40% markup.
40% idiot tax.
Someone literally asked me if we celebrate 4th of July in the UK....
It's literally the most unlikely place
Edit: I would now like to add God save the Queen
We call it Ungrateful Colonials Day and use the time to quietly reflect on the matter of the tea tipped in to the harbour....
I remarked that it’s odd that we associate rabbits with EGGS for Easter. I jokingly said we should make it an Easter platypus because unlike rabbits they lay eggs.
Then someone overheard this and said “wait... no, rabbits DO lay eggs.”
This turned into a two minute argument over whether or not rabbits lay eggs. And then when she finally accepted that she was wrong, she was so irritated that she asked all of her coworkers if they thought the same as her.
To the best of my knowledge she’s the only one.
"Mexico is the capital of China"- Some person In a crowd
Dude I thought it didn't get worse than Egypt is the capital of Africa but this one gets the cake
"If you're an atheist, that means you're not allowed to use the Roman calendar because it was invented by Christians."
The only thing I have to say to this is only Greeks are allowed to stay on the globe earth
Someone once said.
"But I don't want to put the bag of aquatic snails inside the fish tank, they might drown!"
That someone was me.
Past me is dumb.
One of the milestones of becoming smarter is knowing that your were once stupid.
To become stronger, one must surpass their past self.
That insects aren’t animals. He insisted that “the major groups of life are animals, plants, and insects”. It was impossible to convince him that insects are in fact animals, and I think he still firmly believes it to this day.
"Washington DC is a state because it's on a quarter"
"There are 52 states"
Said by the same person.
I've also watched this person fail the CPA exam like 25 times in a row. Really not sure why he keeps wasting money at this point since clearly he doesn't have the intelligence to pass.
You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
Dinosaurs were around at the same time as the pyramids
That you can't walk to the front of a plane because its moving faster than you can walk. This was a teacher
Not a physics teacher I'm guessing
I’m a boy/girl twin. I’ve had so many people tell me that boy/girl twins can be identical. Idiots.
As a twin myself, I feel you on the stupid twin questions. My mum said she got asked so many. The most common one (when we’re in the same stroller, looking almost identical) “omg are they twins??!” My mum would say “no they’re triplets but we leave the ugly one at home”.
Mate of mine told me Reindeer weren’t real animals. They were mythical creatures...
We live in Australia, but still. Fucking hell, Mitch.
After watching a movie in 3D they said “that was amazing, I wish real life was in 3D too”
Is the forth of July on the 14th or 15th?
My ex boyfriend asked me that. He has no excuse, he's from California.
14th of July is France's national holliday.
"Having a baby with my boyfriend will make our relationship better!"
Why do people assume having children will help with a relationship do they not know how hard it is to care for a child?
Not to mention how the father has to take extra care of the mother while she hasn't given birth yet...
I mean sure it makes people happy but it is still up to them and how their relationship was so far to see if it improves or degrades.
Hey she's just trying to teach you how to make poached eggs
Roll the egg around on the table while putting pressure on it with your hand to crack the entire shell, that will make peeling it much easier, especially when it's freshly cooked
“I can’t wait to grow up” -me
I’m in this comment and I don’t like it.
We were in class and this girl was so confused at how a flight from America to Russia could be quick, because the world map shows America being at the far left and Russia on the right. The teacher said, 'Look at the map.' She replies, 'Yeah, they're so far away.' A moment of silence. Teacher: 'The world is round; it isn't flat like a map.'
My mom told me a story about an American friend she had who didn’t know where Canada was. This was about 10 min away from the border
At a sushi place in Dallas, a large middle aged man at another table shouted, "God damn those Japs don't fuck around with their guacamole!"
I remember the first time I had sushi rolls with wasabi. I spread it like guacamole. You couldn't even see the rice underneath. The whole restaurant got a good laugh out of my misery.
The stupid part, I was warned
The first time I thought, hey, smells like horseradish, must be green horseradish than. Continued to put quite a load of it onto the sushi roll and ate it.
Felt like a hole is being burned through my palate into my nose and further into my eyes. Fun times...
You aren’t far off in that initial thought. Actual wasabi is very uncommon in North America, and often what you get is a concentrated horseradish paste that has been dyed.
It's not common anywhere outside of Japan. Wasabi is only grown in very specific regions in Japan, certainly not enought o export, wasabi you find outside of fancy restaurants will be majority horseradish with maybe a nominal amount of wasabi paste.
Oh I have one! I told my friend that I thought she may be an alcoholic and she should get some help. So she goes to a counselor. She was so proud to come and tell me that she wasn't an alcoholic, she had a substantial abuse disorder.
The substance? Alcohol
“Are you pregnant?”
I was a skinny girl in fifth grade when a guy asked me this out of nowhere
I worked retail as a summer job about 17 years ago. I was putting out coffee cups with a coworker.
"Why don't they make left handed coffee cups?"
I quietly turned one of the mugs 180 degrees without saying anything.
Last I heard she was the assistant manager of that department.
EDIT: Apparently the last line hurt some feelings despite this being a whole thread about making fun of dumb things people say. So let me clarify. This young woman drank so much that she smelled like booze despite claiming she hadn't drunken anything in a couple days. She'd lived with her parents and let her parents watch her son while she'd go out and do bumps of coke. She would continuously show up late to work with Starbucks in her hand and immediately go right to the bathroom to apply her makeup for the next 30 minutes. I don't regret mentioning that she's the assistant manager at all. Take it as a commentary that she's possibly on a better path than where she was, or a commentary on the standards of this particular store, or just as a "where are they now" addition to the story. I don't really care how you take it.
EDIT #2: It has come to my attention that since I edited my comment that means I am triggered. Especially since the edit is twice as long as the original comment (I didn't know there were rules for this). I am making an effort for this edit to be as long winded as possible to ensure that this second edit is even longer than the first edit to show just how triggered I apparently am and this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm just procrastinating from doing my job while I'm supposed to be working. So to reiterate, it is completely unnecessary that I pointed out that my ex-coworker is now the assistant manager. I agree with this. However, I still don't really care that it was unnecessary since I do not find it necessary to even post the story in the first place. It's a funny thing about necessities, in that I don't consider anything on Reddit to be one. So in summary, some may think I'm an asshole for telling everybody she's the assistant manager. I would argue that I'm an asshole for far better reasons for that.
Just because math is in a book, doesn't make it true... she was a college student.
Edit: Yea, technically she is right. As another said, its more akin to a clock being right twice a day. Haha.
But ultimately, what lead up to this weird argument was I was trying to help her with her homework (algebra). I was pretty good at math at the time. My senior year of High School I completed an AP Calc course. She pretty much got mad at me because she couldn't understand the material.
Well, I mean yeah. Math books can have typos.
I mean...she’s not *technically* wrong but something tells me she was still wrong
I found out in my economics class that lamb and sheep are the same animal.
That you can get pregnant by a demon and god controls Facebooks servers which will be shut down IMMEDIATELY.
That 2% milk and 2% milk made 4% milk. Proceed to try and prove his point by saying "if (half black friend) and I (half black) had a baby, the baby would be full black". This guy also asked me if the Queen was the president of Canada, soo....
“Masks are for pussies” my moms friend three weeks ago who is now in intensive care.
The spork is "the devil's utensil" because it is the amalgamation of the masculine fork and the feminine spoon and is trying to blur gender lines in society.
This reads like a quality shitpost, I approve.
Late to the party here, but I'm a pharmacist and I've heard some classic lines
For example, just this Monday; "DON'T USE COVID AS AN EXCUSE. THAT EXCUSE IS SO OVERUSED, COVID IS FINISHED YOUNG LADY."
Or a lady who I told her antibiotics should be taken every 12 hours; "Oh, that's different to the last time I had these. Last time it was twice a day."