What is the stupidest thing that ever came out of your mouth?
By - marginalpotato
My neighbor was leaving for a funeral. A close family member had committed suicide by hanging. We talked for a bit. I gave her my condolences.
Then as she was leaving I said “Hang in there”. 🤦🏻♀️
My ex partner recently attempted to hang himself just a few weeks after the breakup. I was heavily involved in getting him help in the following days, and the amount of people that told me to “hang in there” was appalling. Probably more common than you would think lol
Was at the dentist and he has me clench my teeth to look at my bite. He then says “any pain?” To which I reply with “no” with my teeth still clenched. He and the dental hygienist look at each other confused, so I ask him to repeat what he said. Apparently, he actually said “open up.”
So he literally just said open up and I said no. Wanted to shrivel up in a hole and die. I was so embarrassed. They thought it was hilarious though
There was a guy walking towards me and said
"Hi can I ask you some questions?"
And I said
"Sorry I don t have any"
I got off a red-eye, very sleep-deprived, and realized I forgot my glasses on the plane. I asked the very kind gate agent if she could go check my seat to see if she could find them.
While she was gone, I touched my face and felt my glasses.
I was mortified and apologized profusely when she returned. She was really nice about it though.
To be fair, you could have been talking about sunglasses or perhaps a spare pair of glasses
During my Supermarket days, somebody asked me where the toilets were, I replied "we don't sell toilets". I still cringe.
My mom had an opposite experience when she asked a Walmart (or some other large chain store) for the toilet and he directed her to the ones that were on display.
I was student teaching and discussing my weekend plans to visit my cousin. One teacher said “oh, you’re visiting your cousin? I thought you said you were going to visit your boyfriend.” In an attempt to gloss over his mistake and communicate the sentiment of “no worries,” I instead shrugged and for some reason said “same thing.”
Chatting to a homeless guy on the street and he told me he was feeling unwell. I told him he should be at home, resting.
It’s been 20 years and the memory of it still brings me out in a cold sweat.
What if he just laid down right in front of you. What a power move
Or you go home and he’s asleep in your bed
By far my favourite so far. Strong empathy for this.
Oh my fricking God
When I was doing a woman's taxes and asked her if she had any medical expenses for the year.
She said, "Well I had to put my husband in a nursing home last year."
I said, "THAT'S EXCELLENT! Big time deductions there..."
Then I looked up and saw the look on her face and it still took me another three or four seconds to realize why she looked so horrified.
I've never apologized so sincerely and completely in my life. I had a really hard time forgiving myself for that one.
"What month is April in?"
I hadn't slept in a couple days and was trying to figure out what the date was.
Edit: Big thank you to everyone who gave awards and for all the upvotes! Hope y'all have an awesome day/night :)
Some of the funniest ones come from sleep deprivation
High school quiz bowl (basically team Jeopardy)…
“Nine letter word for said forcefully or excitedly”
It was exclaimed. Ejaculated has 10 letters and while technically could have otherwise been correct (e.g. the “Snape!”, ejaculated Slughorn meme) that nuance was lost on a room full of high school kids.
When our cat was having kittens, a friend was petting one of them and I said: "Ya' know, her mum's also a cat."
"Thank you. I wasn't sure and was curious, but didn't want to ask."
Pulled up at Hungry Jacks drive thru, ordered nuggets and a McFluffy.
Hysterical laughter over speaker,"Ma'am it's a McFlurry, and this is Hungry Jacks".
My teenagers still bring it up.
McFluffy new at McDowels
Home of the Big Mick
While out for a walk I admired a cute dog. I wanted to ask what breed it was but my brain wasn’t working. Instead I asked “What brand is your dog?” which startled the owner, and myself. My attempt at correcting myself resulted in me blurting out “Species!” which only made matters worse.
I was running once and saw a small flock of wild turkeys on a lawn. I yelled, “Turkeys! Turkeys,” at a family getting out of a car one house over. They just stared oddly; after, I realized that there was a fence between the two properties and they had no idea why I was yelling at them.
Oh my god, I’m dying at you loudly and for no reason calling a family “turkeys!”
Finally, my time to tell this story.
I used to work at CVS, and I was training to be a keyholder, which is to the manager/assistant manager what a lietenant commander is to the captain/XO on star trek. So one day neither of the managers could come in, so they sent this guy Ryan over from another store. And this was the first time I had ever met him.
Now at CVS, we have to wear those crappy blue polo shirts. But Ryan, being management level, could elect to wear an actual professional shirt instead of the blue polo. We worked, did our shifts, and that was it.
Maybe a week and a half later I head over to my friend's store, and lo and behold Ryan is working there. On this day he elected to wear his blue CVS polo shirt. We knew these shirts, we all had these shirts, this was *his* shirt, the same way when you're in the army this is *your* rifle.
So I don't recognize Ryan, but I *kind* of recognize him, and I'm staring at him for a couple of seconds, and it starts to slowly click.
"Ryan?" I say, and he confirms. And that's when I realized what it was. I had only seen him in a regular shirt. I had never seen him with his blue CVS polo. But what I said was
"Oh it IS you!" I said "I didn't recognize you with your shirt on!"
I was giving a presentation about my club in high school, and at the end I wanted to invite people to come visit us, so I went to say “stop by” or “say hi” but instead I managed to tell about 100 high schoolers to “stay high”
Didn’t know why everyone laughed till my friend told me what I said later…
I was a cashier about a year ago and I had to unlock the bathroom for people when they needed to go, so anyways, I unlock the bathroom for this guy and he says thanks and I replied “have a good one”. That’s what I always said when people left, after they bought something, not when they’re going to shit. I hated that job.
I was a cashier at a convenience store and worked night shift. We were required to greet people immediately when they came into the store, I sometimes would greet people when they came out of the bathroom. I felt like an idiot every time.
Reading some ingredients and all the allergens were in capitals. I loudly asked "What's E G G?"
That might be the funniest one here
Asked my friend how his mom was doing at his moms funeral.
An old friend's mom passed away recently. The next time I saw him I gave him a big hug and said I was sorry. He said "she's a lot better now" there was an awkward pause before he corrected himself "she's in a better place".
She recovered from being dead and is almost able to walk again
*looks at casket*
“she’s been better”
Jesus Christ this is the worst one on this thread. What was his response?
He looked at me and then the casket and kind of smirked. I awkwardly started to try and explain and just said “I’m an idiot. You know I love you. Talk to you in a bit.” He makes fun of me now and I can’t stop laughing. It’s a positive painful memory.
Sometimes laughter is one of the easiest ways to get through a hard time. A bad joke at the wrong time can sometimes end up being a good joke at the perfect time and help to ease losing someone. That doesn't mean to go making jokes and trying to be a comedian at funerals though. That will usually just get you thrown out.
He sounds like a good friend and you gave him an internal laugh on a horrible day, so i'm sure while you cringe, he probably cherishes it.
It was my birthday and it was getting cold outside so I announced to everyone that I was going inside to put on "long sleeve pants".
"She wears short shorts, I wear long longs"
She's cheer cheerer and I'm on the sit sits
Me last Friday after a long terrible day, trying to return an item.
Cashier: I’m gonna need your name
Me: no thanks
Her: the twins are 3 years old
Me: Both of them?
Oh no this unearthed a memory i had buried from kindergarten lmao
We had a set of twins in our classroom and once on their birthday party I said "your brother got such a cool party, i hope yours is nice like this too" to one of them and he was like "yeah, this one"
4 year old me was not a very bright kid
Look how thoughtful and caring you were as a 4 year old!! You wanted your pal to have as nice a party as his brother!
I really did!! My logic and common sense kinda went out on that one but I forgive myself oof
Good on you 4 year old me, you were very nice just not very smart all the time and it's ok 😂
I'm a paper conservator by trade and when driving through the New Forest (UK) recently to go hiking with friends, I realised that a village we were passing through was once the site of some famously beautiful trees that had featured in a print I had conserved years before.
I didn't say that, however...
What I instead proclaimed as we drove through **The Literal Fucking New FOREST** was - *"Guys! Did you know...around here...there were once... trees...?"*
I did something similar, I learnt recently that because of mountains under the sea exerting more gravity on the surrounding water, there's actually little hills in the ocean of a few meters, spread over a few kilometres.
What I should have said was "did you know that sea level isn't level everywhere". What I actually said was "did you know the sea isn't flat?".
In Jr. high this girl who liked me said she wanted my baby . I replied I don’t have one
"but what about the duck's back legs?" I didn't even immediately rethink it when my friend just stared at me.
My brother in law was showing our goats and sheep to his kids. “Those are goats, and those are… fluffy goats.” We now call sheep “fluffy goats.”
Dentist asked me for my date of birth. I told them my full name instead...
Watching the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ when a Kobe interview pops up -
Me: “Wow, they must have filmed this before Kobe died.”
My wife: “Yeah, obviously….”
Reminds me of “using my marine corps training, I can turn ANYTHING into a weapon... even this rifle!”
"Thinking quickly, Dave constructed a megaphone out of nothing but a squirrel, some string, and a megaphone."
Girl I was interested in gave me her number out of the blue, I asked:
To be fair if someone shows interest in me I'd also be confused.
One girl all through HS showed interest in me, I threw it all away because in my mind no girl would ever like me. 22 years old and that is my biggest life regret to date.
No worries, you're still young and have yet to experience so many more regrets that are much worse than that one.
But what happened???
When my ex girlfriend ask me if I could imagine a future with her and I said "No."
Well, you weren't wrong.
I wonder why
Was this a Freudian slip or did you misunderstand?
When I explained to my dad that “My boyfriend really like BJs.” While they were both sitting there meeting each other for the first time. BJs is a restaurant chain where I live…
Same thing with a (new at the time) mom-and-pop restaurant in my hometown. My parents asked what my plans were for the weekend, and I said a boy was picking me up on Friday for BJs and a movie. It took them a moment to realize I meant dinner and a movie. They just froze as if time stood still while they worked through what I had said.
And that was the last time they asked you about your weekend plans ever again
I was on a business call at work. The finance manager and I faced each other in our cubicles and the wall between us was low so that we could see each other.
We had a good working relationship and we laughed a lot.
One day as I was hanging up the phone from a vendor who had just agreed to make changes to everything I needed her to do, I exclaimed , “Thank you so much! You are so bendable!”
I hung up the phone. He looks at me and he says, “You just called her bendable!”
I said, “No I didn’t! I thanked her for being so flexible!”
He burst out laughing and I said, “Wait…did I?” But this time he was laughing so hard I knew that I did…
Two choices let it go or correct myself. I couldn’t let it go… I called the woman back and apologized, she asked me for what. I said, “I was trying to thank you for being so flexible but I called you bendable and didn’t realize until I hung up what I had actually said. But my coworker is sitting there looking at me laughing at me so I just had to call and make this right with you.“
She responded with, “No worries I’m here laughing too.”
I was discussing my husband’s experience with a childhood urinary tract infection (we’re both medical, so not that weird) and I asked him, “Are you circumcised?”
I was once at the doctors for some infection *down there* and he asked whether my partner was circumcised. And I had absolutely NO idea. After more than 2 years (and definetely having seen it MANY TIMES). That was a very long, awkward pause.
A coworker and I were discussing what features we found attractive in our partners. He mentioned he loved peoples eyes so I asked what color of eyes his wife had. He had no clue. They've been married for 3 years and he couldn't even tell me brown, blue or green!
When my partner and I had just been dating for a few months, I was talking about how I wished I could try contacts to see what I'd look like with different colored eyes.
Me: "Mostly I want to try brown contacts, then hazel."
Me: "I guess green might be interesting too but they're my least favorite, and obviously there's no point in trying blue ones."
Me: "....honey. Did you forget what color my eyes are?"
I was 18 and worked at a dental office. I pulled charts and kept the client waiting area clean.
It’s the end of the day. A man wearing sunglasses walks in with a black German Shepherd and takes a seat. I asked “can I help you?” He says “I’m just waiting for my wife Maria .” (I worked with her) I said “Oh nice to meet you!” And I stick my hand out to shake his hand and he didn’t do it immediately. He said “I’m not sure if you are trying to shake my hand or not but I’m mike” and Laughs a bit as he puts his out and I just grabbed it slightly confused but said “I’m Angie, maria should be out soon all the patients are out so I’m just cleaning up.” There is a folded news paper sitting in the seat next to him. So I ask him “did you want to check out today’s news paper while you wait or can I put it away?” He laughs and says “Nah, you can take it. Not like I can read it anyway right??”
I still didn’t get it.. after I was putting away the magazines it hit me and I said out loud “Oh shit! You really CAN’T SEE can you?!?!” Dude was literally blind..
I’m a fucking idiot. Obviously that perfectly well behaved German Shepherd was his seeing eye dog. The sun glasses. Him not finding my hand. Him ACTUALLY telling me he can’t see the news paper STILL didn’t click with me..
Luckily for me he is a really great guy and found my mistake as innocent and hilarious as it actually was. From then on whenever he came in the office (he’d take the bus, completely blind, he’s so independent. Being so naive I just didn’t know he could be that independent) it would make my day! We became good friends. I’m still friends with some of the people who worked at that dental office so I’ve gotten to see him a few times over the years and every time I sneak up behind him and whisper to him “you really can’t see can you?” And he goes “Angie!!! How the hell are you girl?!? Give me a hug!” Every time lol.
But seriously, how dense can be?!? It sometimes amazes me..
“Do they speak Spanish in Spain?”
No, they speak Español.
Many years ago I texted my cousin "I can't find my phone anywhere" (the same phone I was texting him on)
This was 40ish years ago landlines only wanted to ask a friend about homework called first to ask her for her new number
A couple of months ago, I got up and drove to work as usual. Later, my girlfriend texted me from home to ask me if she had left her sunglasses in my car. I told her I wasn't sure, but she could grab my spare key and go check. In my car. Which I had driven to work.
Haha, I feel you. That would be the kind of things I'd say, a bit lunatic eh.
Reminds me on the time I called my spouse and asked if she could go look for my car keys because I thought I had left them somewhere and didn't want them to go missing - all while driving my car.
Probably the time I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii when I asked my new husband why there wasn't a bridge to Hawaii.
Me: I mean, if there can be a bridge to Alaska, why cant there be a bridge to Hawaii?
Husband: There's not a bridge to Alaska though?
Me: Then how do people drive there??
Husband: ...Canada. Canada is the bridge.
Still just about die of embarrassment every time I think about that one.
I blame a lifetime of the maps that show AK & HI completely out of scale, and in weird positions relative to the contiguous US.
You’re telling me Alaska doesn’t float above Mexico??
I was like 18 or 19 and still thought the term "rabid dog" was "rabbit dog" and I said that out loud in a car with my friends. I still remember the exact location we were driving by when it came out of my mouth because I felt so stupid.
In my head I was wondering what one pound of water would look like in terms of volume. What I said out loud however was "How much does a pound of water weigh?"
"But steel is heavier than feathers."
“They’re both a kilogram....”
Yeah but steel is heavier than feathers
Stupid and possibly legally actionable: I attended a meeting at my old company and I turned out to be the only man there. The woman giving the presentation was having trouble connecting her computer to the big screen, so I pulled out my adapter and helped her get all set.
She said "you're pretty handy to have around" and I (intending to convey nothing but my nerdiness) started to say "well, I'm pretty well endowed in the dongle department". As I started to say this, my brain belatedly realized how inappropriate this would be and cut me off - leaving me to say "well, I'm pretty well endowed".
Fortunately this only elicited a couple of awkward laughs and not an incident with HR.
I said okay, after a girl was breaking up with me, not realising what happend.
"You always ignore me!"
"Oh, yeah baby, no problem"
"That's it, it's over! We're finished!"
"Yeah, babe, whatever you say. You know just what to do."
Why did I read this with Tommy Wiseau's voice in my head?
Becky said she's breaking up with me.
I don't know, some crap about me never listening to her or something, I wasn't really paying attention.
When the cashier said "Have a nice day", and I replied with "No, thanks".
Background: I wasnt thinking straight that day, and thought they said "Do you want a bag"
My first job was the concession stand at a movie theater. After ringing people up I would end with "Enjoy the show." It was so engrained in me due to saying it hundreds of times a week that I would sometimes say it whenever someone gave me change when I was the shopper at a store. I remember being so embarrassed. I look back and get a chuckle out of it now, though.
I work at a coffee shop that offers dog treats for when people come in with their dogs.
"Would you like a treat for your dog?" Is such an ingrained question that I once asked a woman with a toddler that same question.
I realized my mistake immediately and just tried to stammer through an apology that it's normally a small dog on the other side of the counter than a small child. She was not amused.
My kid would have barked at you and said yes.
Woof woof motherfucker
Gimme treats pls
I would be so excited/scared at about what you were about to do next.
When it's one of those days where you know it's going to be complete shit so you don't even bother with hope.
As a former cashier, I would have loved to hear that.
“Fair enough.” Is what I’d say.
When I was cashiering I told someone "Have a good day!" which got a "We're well past that point, but thanks anyway" as he walked out with a cart full of plumbing supplies
As someone who bought a house from an estate sale in the past year; this resonates way too much.
(House was at one point very well made and taken care of, the past couple of years they weren't able to keep up with it and it shows)
Sometimes you just wanna be sad, you know?
When I was a kid I would play the Yellow Car game, where you punch someone when you see a yellow car while on the road. Me being 10, I escalated it to anything that was yellow in and out if the car. Carrying groceries in I proceeded to smack my dad and proclaimed "Yellow orange juice!"
I’ve stopped myself multiple times from asking my parents “how old was I when I was born?” I just have an urge to ask that sometimes.
"Sorry if that's a dumb question. I was pretty young, so I don't remember exactly."
I was working in a drive in ticket booth for a fancy heritage park in Yorkshire, when a car stopped at my booth with a young couple, a toddler and the CUTEST a corgi in the back.
They ask a few questions about the park and asked if it was okay to ride a tricycle around the grounds. Me being completely enamoured with this dog, hesitantly said yes and how I was so excited to see this dog somehow ride this tiny bike.
It was for their toddler. That I forgot in the backseat.
We had a good laugh about it but it was still a big smooth brain moment.
Edit: Thank you kind stranger for the silver!
My full response to that couple as best I can remember it going was:
Them: - Asks question about tricycle -
Me already trying to plot a way to leave my booth to watch this bike pup:
"Um yes of course you can ride around the park but please remember that all dogs must still stay on leashes though"
Did a meet and greet with a musician at a concert and said “You’re a huge fan of mine”. *awkward silence*
ETA: was going for “I’m a really big fan of yours”
Edit #2: thanks for the awards, you kind strangers!
I once was in line for a Neil Gaiman book signing. As soon as it was my turn to get my book signed I was so starstruck I blurted out, "*You* are *my* biggest fan!"
I immediately realized my mistake and apologized profusely, and Neil just laughed it off and signed the book, and I was so flustered I didn't pay attention to what he scribbled in.
Only after I left the area and opened up my copy of the book to realize he'd signed it with, "from your biggest fan, Neil Gaiman".
**ETA:** I really hope Neil himself doesn't mind me sharing the photo of the actual autograph that made my day so many years ago, but [here it is](https://imgur.com/U7CgQLp). In case anyone is wondering, I asked him to sign my copy of the Mirrormask illustrated film script when he was in Singapore to promote the film. I skipped my university orientation so I could be there, haha\~
Also, thank you *so much* for the upvotes and the awards\~ ❤️
Neil Gaiman is a treasure and a wonderful author
In my freshman year of college I was dorming next door to a couple cute girls. About a week into the first semester one girl walked from the coed showers to her dorm room in her towel still wet. We were both unlocking our doors to get in our rooms when she looks at me and says…
“I know I look stunning…(sarcastically)”
To which I replied, “don’t flatter yourself.”
I had to slid a note under her door explaining I was tongue tied as she was beautiful and I meant to say “don’t be hard on yourself, you look great.” (Or something to that nature). We became good friends.
So cute of you to recover this way!
Reminds of junior year HS, we’re all waiting in the computer room which was like a mini auditorium, because it was pouring rain and lightning. Supposed to just pass over and then we can leave for home. We’re all just quiet, kinda talkin but mostly staring around. My ag teacher was one of two teachers up front, just standing facing us with his arms crossed, bored looking. When the perfect amount of silence came, he let out a long sigh, looked down at his watch and said, “man, I need to get home and water the grass…” everybody died. After a few minutes I was the only one still dying and people were saying how red I was from trying to hold it in. Just couldn’t stop laughing man. His perfect delivery, paired with the loud pattering of rain on the roof. Joke hit me like a truck.
I just imagine this teacher completely chuffed with himself for getting an entire room of people laughing over a slightly humorous joke.
I've had days like that where the dumbest things make me borderline hysteric.
I was about 4 months into my current job, feeling confident being fresh off the contract-to-hire period, now moved into a coveted full time role. While walking back to my office from the morning kanban I was stopped by my boss, head peeking out of the office:
Boss: "Hey TheMediator, do you have a sec?"
Me: "For you, I've got lots of secs!"
Boss: *wide-eyes, mouth dropped*
If you're curious why this was incredibly stupid/embarrassing, try saying the phrase "lots of secs" out loud. Preferably, not to your boss though.
Lol when I was in 6th grade, the neighbor teacher came in and asked our teacher if she “had a sec” and my teacher responds “I have many secs” and to a bunch of 6th graders, we all started laughing. She had a confused look on her face and then got quiet when she realized it
I'm glad I read this because it sounds like something I'd eventually say.
I'm not a native English speaker but I never really had an accent that North Americans would assume to be foreign. So every time I'd pronounce something wrong people would just assume I'm awkward or have some sort of speech impediment or something like that.
When I was 18 I went to Canada to work (in an English-speaking environment) and on my first day of work, I was supposed to fill out some sort of work sheet at the end of the day and hand it to my manager. I was really concerned about the words sheet and shit at that time. It was a totally conscious thing though, if I didn't think about it they'd come out fine. So at the end of the day I get my sheet, notice my manager has left her own work sheet next to my desk so get hers too and walk into her office thinking "don't say shit, don't say shit, don't say shit". I walk in, look at her and say "Here's my shit." Immediately realising what I'd said, I tried my best to mask it and quickly followed it up with "...and here's your shit."
Fucking embarassing. She looked kind of bewildered for a while and just went "...yeah, thanks". It didn't help that earlier that morning, when meeting her for the first time, I naturally went in and kissed her on each cheek as is custom where I'm from because I didn't realise it was different and she was also really taken aback and uncomfortable. I'm sure someone told her afterwards that I was a foreigner but the shame stays with me forever.
It was cloudy enough that I could see the shape of the sun behind the clouds. I, shit you not, looked at my husband and said "Oh, I didn't know there would be a full sun today..."
Like a full moon....but the sun.
The look my husband gave me had me reconsidering that Master's Degree I have.
"Hi, Something State University? Yeah I'd like to return my Diploma. No theres nothing wrong with it, I just don't deserve it anymore."
"Sorry m'am it's just - we've never had anyone ask to return one before. I can pass you along to reception who might be able to help?"
This just happened an hour ago. I'm in this cafe to leave a bunch of flyers I made. As I'm leaving, the waitress tells me she likes my perfume. Normally, I'd pick up on this as *sort of* a chat-up line and politely diffuse, but because of COVID and a recent breakup, I'm just not in that mindset at all, so I just blurt out "Yeah, I put on extra because I didn't shower today. And I sweat a lot." Like, I can't even fucking cringe at myself, I'm so horrified. Even if she was just being nice, I'm now a weird story she can tell her friends. I'm such a fucking moron.
Edit: Oh yeah, I completely forgot to say what she was responded. So after I said that, she hesitantly said "It.. it was a compliment" and we were wearing masks, so I can't be completely sure, but I think she smirked. She definitely smirked with her eyes. Again: complete fucking moron.
I would give you a hug but someone told me you have a sweating problem and havent showered today
I love that you know she’ll be telling the story lol
Ahh a cute barman was making me a cocktail on a busy Saturday night so I wasnt expecting the dramatics just put it in a galas and be done.
He did all the shaking, made it a performance and then for the final flourish he set some powder on fire so it went POOOF and died.
Just for me he said. Be careful, the glass might be warm he said.
Its OK i replied. Itll burn off my moustache.
I recently started a new job at a bakery and we got a box of cakes that came in. Being an ever clever and eager to learn worker decided to read the boxes to see what kind of cakes they were. They were labeled “Un-iced cakes” (without the dash)
I then asked a co-worker what type of cake an uniced cake was except I pronounced it as “You-niced” Because thats what I thought they were. My co-worker looked at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world. And I agree
Just out of the top of my head, last week or so I said, "is the brain a part of your body?"
This could actually be something very offensive and useful if used properly. Thank you, I will use this from now on on the next idiot who doesn't use their brain. :)
"This ice is cold"
Hmm yes, the floor here is made of floor.
"The truth is true"
"I don't understand why people place bets on who wins, why not just place bets on who loses?"
Yeah took me a minute to register what I said...
Edit: I honestly didn't expect this to blow up.
The bet was just a simple football (soccer) bet for who would win the match. One team was favourite so the odds weren't great and that's when I said what I said.
By picking a winner, I am picking a loser too.
I hope that helps clear up any confusion.
This is actually kind of a thing for horse racing. Obviously in 1 on 1 sports it doesn't make sense, though!
Little me, talking about a baby dinosaur fossil: "It would've lived longer if it hadn't died."
I meant that their lifespan was a lot longer but...
One of the many that I can actaully remember because my husband will never let me live it down was being at a farmers market and reading a hand written sign out loud that said PaPaYa and then asking my husband what it was. It's papaya he replied.
I feel like Papa Ya could definitely be a rapper or DJ name
I was playing on my phone, extremely focused, and I sneezed. Couple seconds later, I said "bless you." And no, I was not alone at the time.
When I was a kid in hospital, I got asked what my religion is.
My response was "I'm Welsh"
I was wondering why they had shut the gate at my kids school and I looked around and saw heaps of crows and I said to another parent " probably shut the gates the keep the crows out "
😳🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ as soon as it left my mouth I remembered they can fly... the other parent lost it laughing and I wanted the floor to swallow me up
It’s only embarrassing if you make it that way, it was a good joke if someone laughed at it.
The best way to play that off is to sound completely sincere/deadpan, like you're doing a Steven Wright bit.
When they point out that crows can fly, add something like, "good point. They should make the gates taller."
Or introduce hawks to the ecosystem, leading to a decline in crow population and therefore fewer crows entering the school
Fuck what is my name again
Glad I'm not the only one.
“How old are you ?”
*Opens calculator app*
Do you wanna watch a book or read a movie.
I was a waitress a life time ago. One table asked for some crackers for their toddler until the meals came. I got busy doing something else and only remembered the cracker when I passed the table. I yelled “Crackers!” as I walked passed by the table. I’m black. The table was a white family. I yelled “Crackers!” In the middle of a busy restaurant in Mississippi. You could hear a pin drop. Luckily the family laughed and I wanted to die. I still think about it when I try to sleep at night.
I worked in politics in the early to mid 2000s. I'm in DC we were going to the White House for a photoshoot with the POTUS and some legislators. I was one of a few folks taking the pics for the people from my state.
I walk up to a gate (not necessarily the right one) and a uniformed secret service offficer with an automatic weapon and ask "where's the oval office I'm suppose to shoot the president?"
He cocks his head to the side....and I'm immediately like "that was a really stupid way to ask that questions wasn't it?" He dead pan said yep and you couldn't see it even if I told you. I explained I was supposed to enter on a certain side and I was trying to Figure out where. He made a gesture in a direction. I thanked him apologized again and walked away. I hear him laughing behind me as he radioed the other gate. I got to the proper gate and the agent looks at me and says "well you must be our shooter" and snickers.
I replayed that in my head a 100x over
Family member died.
cousins came to the funeral.
Me: "Did they know this woman?"
It's my dad's sister's children who are my cousins. The woman who died was on my dad's side of the family...
When I was living up in Fairbanks, I was out driving with my parents one day. There was a truck in front of us that had a decal on the back window. It had the word "Home" written, except that the "o" was replaced with an outline of the state of Alaska.
My dad says, "oh, that's cute. They replaced the 'o' in 'home' with Alaska."
My response: "Thanks for explaining that, because I had no idea what 'Halaskame' meant."
To be honest that's the best response you could have given
Once a friend was taking a graphic design class. They asked me for my opinion on a project they was doing, they had to re design road signs. They asked me if they should have a hand ✋ on the sign or the words ''Stop''
I said "You should have the words stop because blind people can't see the hand!"
They then looked at me and asked "You know blind people won't be able to read stop either?"
I thought blind people could somehow read letters like a normal person, but couldn't see anything else.
>I thought blind people could somehow read letters like a normal person, but couldn't see anything else.
There's a legit condition called [Blindsight](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blindsight) and it's fuckin ***weird.***
The eyes work just fine, but the part of the brain that processes vision is damaged.
So... they can't see, but they sort of ***don't know that they can't see*** (try wrapping your head around that)
They can't read words, but can generally navigate around obstacles because at least that kind of limited visual data is still being received and processed by their brains
This sounds like what my dad's friend has. He had a virus that affected his brain years ago. Now he's partially sighted and can't read or write and sometimes forgets words for things. He also suffer from seizures. But apparently his eyes work fine but the connections in his brain got messed up. He can now type something into Google or YouTube if he copies it one letter at a time when someone writes it down. He was completely 'normal' and spoke at least two languages before the illness.
When I was getting my COVID vaccine I asked what shape the needle was.
Did they give you the swirly straw type needle? XD
I used to swear that pigs can’t walk backwards. I’d heard it somewhere when I was little and it made sense as to why they’re associated with New Year- they only move forwards. I apologise to all the people I passed this ridiculousness onto over my life.
Edit: love that my highest upvoted anything is about how dumb I am.
I never heard pigs being associated with New Year!
Me when I was 10 something years old.
" Mom, did you take showers without water in your time"
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes
Kids say weird things lol. I had a kid I was babysitting ask me if they had candy when I was young or did I just suck on fruit... I was 20 at the time
High School English class, we were doing some grammar stuff and the teacher asked us to name the word found within "habituate"?
My smart ass blurted out "bitch", turns out the answer was habit.
Back when I worked as a barista I was often on the cash register and frequently asked people if they wanted the receipt.
Later around Christmas time I was buying presents for my parents and was paying at the register. As I watch the payment go through I asked the worker who was at the register if she wanted the receipt. Out of habit. She was very confused.
I once said that Homer Simpson wrote the odyssey
"And how would you like your burger cooked, sir?"
__That's the way the mop flops.__
I told my mom I said this to a guy I was crushing on who was complaining about his job. Oh well! That's the way the mop flops I guess!
‘Where is my phone?’ while holding my phone.
Glasses on top of my head are just as good at camouflaging.
I once looked for my glasses while wearing them on my face, ultimate facepalm moment
I once turned on the flashlight on my phone, to look if I had dropped my phone under the couch....
I'll be looking for my phone for a solid 5 minutes when my bf who I'm facetiming will ask "what are you looking for?" ....
Me chatting with a stunningly cute girl I met at a university party ~20 years ago:
Her: I have hemophilia.
Me: Oh cool, so do you know on some level that you're not really sick?
Her: That's hypochondria.
Me: Oh...yeah. That's right....Ok bye. *quickly leaves the party in quiet shame*
Some guy asked my mom what her nationality was
When she said she was Filipino, he followed up with, "so what part of Philistine are you from?"
When I was a kid, I used to get certain sounds mixed up. Philippines/Philistine used to be one of those combos.
When I was a teenager I had this with Protestant/prostitute. It’s a miracle I didn’t land myself in trouble.
I had this same exact trouble and it landed me in a very awkward situation at sunday school...
"Erica, isn't your dad a prostitute?"
My sister thought "minority" and "minor" both meant "underage person" until like last year. She's 19.
"Oh, sorry, I misheard" would have been an easy save
I had social anxiety in high school (and now as well lol). I moved to a new school and asked a girl what her name is. She said her name is Lauren but people call her Lolly. I said “well my name is Kayla but you can call me anytime.” I then winked. I thought it was funny but her and her friends just stared at me and didn’t say anything. I was sooo embarrassed
nah thats SMOOTH
“I used to have social anxiety. I still do, but I used to too.”
Not me, and not something verbal but I know a guy who was cheating on a test with his bench mate.
Dude copied her name. What's even funnier is that he didn't copy much of the content on her test so the girl had one pretty good test and another one that failed, both with her name on them.
After staying up all night, my friend and I were walking through the mall and a sign had "SA" over "LE." It was a fancy store, so for some reason I decided it was french and trying to sound it out. "Saaa-leeeee. Saaaa-laaayyyy. Friend, you took French. What does saaalaaaayyy mean?"
She just gave me a look and was like, "Are you serious?"
A penny. When I was a child I shoved a penny so far up my nose that they had to take it out through my mouth with dental tools.
Fuck, the same thing happened to my brother, had to go to the hospital asap.
Asking a lady when the baby was due when she wasn't pregnant. Never ever did that again...
Edit: LOL figures my most upvoted comment is for something really stupid I did.. Thanks folks..
Never ever, under any circumstance, say anything that might seem to even imply you think a woman is pregnant, unless either she herself has already explicitly told you that is the case or you can see a baby emerging from her at this moment.
Funny enough, it would be equally as stupid to ask when the baby is due if you wait until it's emerging
Yeah, unless I physically see a baby coming out, I never ask a woman if she's pregnant.
“Can’t find my phone in here”
I said, while using my phone as a flashlight to find my phone.
Me and my bff where driving past a building and she asked me what it was. I anwered: " A building".
She obviously was asking what was in the building.